Ever get annoyed? Ever feel like someone needs to be told where the dog died? Or handed a crowbar and a tub of Elbow Grease to help them pry their head out of their arse? Congratulations--you've come to the right place.

And when I'm not commenting on the latest thing to piss me off, I'm trying to figure out my own twisted life. Because, hey, I'm like that.

On a gentler note: for anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, and other assorted bullshit: You are NOT alone.

And if you're looking for a laugh, search on the key word "fuckery." It's just my little thing (as the bishop said to the actress).

Friday, January 7, 2011

Headin' South?

I had one of my Ridiculous Riz Moments last night in the car whilst talking with the Fabulous Alicia of Slice of the Blog Pie. I was reflecting on my colorful sexual past and came out with this gem: *

I've been in a few threesomes, most of them with women--NOT my preference. I have NEVER forgotten the first time I was faced with going down on another women. I was like, "Jesus Christ, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! DID YOU AT LEAST WIPE THAT FUCKING THING THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A PISS?!?!?" I mean, I didn't say anything--I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I was the one getting royally fucked, after all. But it was REVOLTING. And all that HAIR. Take a fuckin' weed wacker to that mess, will ya?

I mean, with a cock, at least you don't have to deal with all that hair (unless he's got a short dick, but even then...). If he's cut, it nice, neat, clean--smooth. You're just dealing with skin. And all that squishiness... *shudder* Bleeeeccccchhhh!!!! I totally get why guys have an issue with oral sex. And it's not like you can have a wet facecloth handy at all times or a napkin, not without being insulting.

Seriously, I have NO PROBLEM giving a blow job. Never have, never will. And I have no issue with swallowing--I'd rather just get it out of the way than have him cum on me. Just shoot down my throat, please, and don't mess up my hair. I mean, that shit SMELLS, especially if he's into spicy foods. And Gods forbid you don't wipe it off when it's still wet--NASTY. Scaly, flaky crap, like dandruff or something. Bleurrrrgggghhh.

Although I discovered the only thing beer is good for--makes it taste better. Cuts the salt content. Beyond that...

* Just a couple of necessary statements:
1. The incident cited above happened almost 25 years ago, at the encitement of my (much older) ex-husband. It was one of those experiences that confirmed for me that I am probably the straightest woman on the planet. Tits are interesting, but so long as men have nipples, I'm good!
2. I haven't been in a threesome in nearly 20 years. I'm REALLY good with that.
Have a nice weekend, folks. Get lucky!
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