Ever get annoyed? Ever feel like someone needs to be told where the dog died? Or handed a crowbar and a tub of Elbow Grease to help them pry their head out of their arse? Congratulations--you've come to the right place.

And when I'm not commenting on the latest thing to piss me off, I'm trying to figure out my own twisted life. Because, hey, I'm like that.

On a gentler note: for anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, and other assorted bullshit: You are NOT alone.

And if you're looking for a laugh, search on the key word "fuckery." It's just my little thing (as the bishop said to the actress).

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Language Most Foul

I take a lot of shit about my language. And I know that the general reaction to that statement is, "NO SHIT!"

My mother gives me the most grief, especially when I'm behind the wheel. "Do you have to use THAT WORD?!?!" (This refers to either the word "fuck" or the word "cunt.")

My reply--the one that shuts her up--is, "Yes. It prevents me from KILLING PEOPLE!!!"

And this is the truth. "Colorful language"--i.e. swearing--allows me to express the rage and violence that the sheer criminal ignorance of others engenders in me because I really hate how utterly fucking stupid and self-involved most of the world is. Most stress could be avoided if people would just stop and think for a second.

Seriously. I don't care if you ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" or "What would Elvis do?" (How about, "what would an intelligent, compassionate human being do?") Just stop and think for a second before you do that stupid thing you were about to do.

Case in point: I work in Cambridge, MA, a city that has a high concentration of higher education institutions. It is the home and habitat of some of the most educated people in the world. It is also the herding ground of the stupidest, most entitled morons on the planet. These two groups are usually one and the same.

I have a hypothesis, and sadly, it proves truer and truer as I get older. This is known as Riz's Paradox: "The closer you get to a center of higher learning, the lower the collective level of common sense." I started saying that at least ten years ago, so if you've heard it before *waves* it means my wit and wisdom have spread.

If only people would take it to heart.

I've decided that the next idiot who illegally crosses the street in front of me, yapping on a cell phone, without looking before they cross the street will have that phone confiscated. I mean it. I will get out of the car, rip it from their hands, turn the damn thing off, and tell them they can pick it up at the local police station because I don't give a monkey's toss if pedestrians have the right of way--they also have the responsibility to make sure no car is coming before they step out into the street, ESPECIALLY when they're crossing at a blind corner and are not in a cross walk.

Isn't that a concept? Responsibility. I am so utterly fucking sick and tired of hearing about people's rights. Good for you, you have a right. What about your fucking responsibility, idiot? "I'm a citizen. I have a right!'

Really? Did you vote? Have you paid your taxes? Did you fill out your census? They may sound like silly questions, but they are a part of the civic responsibilties that gain you rights. This is one of the reasons I have a case of the ass with bicyclists: bicyclists pay NOTHING for the use of public roads. Ditto for public bike paths. They pay no licensing fees, no excise taxes, no insurance requirements--they just buy their bike and whatever accessories and they're done. They don't have to pay parking tickets, they don't have to worry about losing privileges if they fail to pay a fine, and the cops are too fucking lazy to prosecute them (when their hands aren't being tied by a bunch of ass-kissing politicians who have forgotten which side their bread is buttered on--I personally hope Mayor Menino is struck repeatedly by a herd of tourist-driven rent-a-bikes. THAT would be justice, the ignorant jerk).

For the privilege of driving a car, I had to pony up money for a learner's permit, two tests, and a license fee which must be renewed every five years. To own a car, I have to buy the car, pay the registration fee, pay a yearly insurance fee, pay yearly excise taxes to both the town I live in and the state, plus parking fees, plus gas and the taxes levied thereon, tolls on bridges and turnpikes... all of which go to pay for the public roadways. Oh, and let's not forget the ridiculous property taxes. I am tired of subsidizing a bunch of self-righteous jerk-offs who think that by riding a bike, they're saving the fucking planet.

You're not. You want to save the planet? Kill yourself. One less stupid, self-righteous jackass = nicer, more pleasant planet. It also removes you from the gene pool, guaranteeing the collective intelligence of the human race will go up a slight percentage point.

Now, I ALSO have an issue with assholes who drive SUVs in the city. Explain to me, oh side-street dwelling dimwit, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU NEED AN ALL-TERRAIN VEHICLE WHEN YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING BUT DRIVE ON CITY STREETS?!?!?!? And DO NOT tell me you need it for the winter--you DO NOT need it for the fucking winter in Boston, moron, because you know what? Our winters are TIT. TIT! We have snow plows and sanding and don't get a quarter of the snow most of the rest of the Northeast gets, so just shut the fuck up and trade that gas-guzzling monster in for a Volvo or a Chevy or a Toyota. Just grow up. Big truck = small tits or small dick, and you ain't fooling no one. Besides that, you idiots drive like there's no one else on the road and park at corners so no one can see around you at stop signs. ASSHOLES.

THIS is why my language is so foul--stupid people. I really hate 'em. And there are just too many of them. When did intelligence and common sense stop associating with each other? I mean, I meet--on a daily basis--people who have encyclopedic knowledge in their field of study, but couldn't find their way out of a wet paper bag with a flashlight, a map and a bloodhound. Seriously--they couldn't find their arse with their own hands without explicit instructions and a long discussion of alternative therapies and best practices.

And it really depresses me.

Foul language is my way of dealing with that depression and the rage it invokes. There is nothing more therapeutic than a good cuss. A long, loud, explosive string of expletives pouring out of me has saved many a life.

I used to punch walls. There is one on the third floor that can't be fixed--I've tried--the drywall has to be ripped down and replaced because I punched it one too many times back in the 80's. I don't hit people (unless they hit me first; it's that ethics thing again); there's no satisfaction in knocking someone through a wall when you know that there's no way they can win against you. (And I know that several of you have filled in, "Well, the jail time doesn't help..." Honestly, that doesn't enter into my thought equation when considering whacking someone. It's all about the ethics.)

I will throw things occasionally. I've been known to whip a book across the room (ditto with some other inanimate object that has fallen on me one too many times because someone else failed to put it in its proper place), but never at someone. Again, no pleasure there, no release, just a crapload of guilt and remorse.

So I stick to swearing. No one gets (physically) hurt, and I feel better for the release. It's a bit like masturbation, but for release of rage rather than the release of... well, y'know.

I also get the subtext when my mother asks the language question--the implication that I have a) been raised better; b) should know better; c) possess a superior education and vocabulary such that I have a plethora of better word choices; and d) unnecessarily upset her.

All of these reasons annoy the piss out of me. Reason (a) is a load of horseshit--I learned 95% of the curse words in my vocabularly at home. (The first was "asshole" at the age of nine months; thanks, Pop!) Reason (b) is another load of horseshit--know better than what? Reason (c) is an elitist piece of bullshit, and reason (d) is tough shit because half the time, she's the one who's upset me first.

So have a good cuss for yourself--trust me, you'll feel better.

Now, I have editing to do. G'night, blurkers.

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