Or, I Really DO NOT Have Time for this Shit...
So, Saturday's post ended on a really positive note with a lot of good stuff happening that day, one of which was supposed to be a date.
Guess which thing didn't happen? Yep, you got it--the date.
I really had hope, y'know? It looked like things would finally come together with The Captain, but he has disappeared again. *slams head on the desk* (And yeah, I know I owe you guys Part 3 of Adult Toy Story; sadly, it's not half so amusing as Part 1.)
So, I'm taking my hat out of the dating ring for a while. It hurts--really looked for a couple of weeks there might actually be a little ray of sunshine, something to balance out all of the bullshit. I'm not really asking for the Love of My Life at this point; I don't know that I really believe in that any more.
Is it stupid to be looking for a damn good friend with whom I can have amazing sex?
Seriously. That's all I really want--someone I can hang out with, talk to, possibly share some music (I'm getting my drum set in November) and art with (comedy or theatre, either one would work), a few laughs, and some good fucking (making love would be even better; before bed AND first thing in the morning would rock; during the day, too... ). I don't care about the kink (I mean, I like it, I want it, but I can live without it; after all, that's what wanking is for). Someone I could cook for would be even better. I really like cooking for people, and there's something special about being able to make a meal for a man (yeah, I'm a bit old fashioned in weird ways). And I CAN cook, dammit. Someone to watch a movie with--and make out on the couch. Someone to play the damn Wii with because it's no fun playing Rock Band & Guitar Hero alone. Someone to playfully bicker with. I don't even need someone who's around all the time--I'm a writer, fer fuckssake, I'm anti-social half the time and don't want to be bothered. Except when I'm horny, of course.
I miss that, and the longer I go without it, the more I fear it's never going to happen again. But I'm also not willing to settle. I'm not willing to be dicked around and led on. Third strike, Captain, you're out. It hurts; there was a connection there I hadn't felt with someone for a long time, a camraderie and commonality that I've missed. I'm still a kid from the neighborhood--still working class and "common as muck," as Nanny Ogg would say, no matter my Imperial nickname and bearing at times. And I really wish I was going home to someone with whom I'd be making dinner and chatting about the day, and later cuddling up and maybe even making love with...
And yeah, I know the other option is going home to an asshole who doesn't help and whose looking for a fight. I've been there, too.
I know relationships and marriage are no bed of roses--I know it's damn hard work, and you have to make compromises and deal with shit you rather not at times. When things don't work, it's hell, but when things DO work... The payoff... the payoff seems worth it from this outsider looking in.
As long as what you're compromising isn't yourself.