*groan* Sod the Black Dog

Hello, my darling blurkers. (If anyone is left, it's been so long.)

Greetings from the fringes of utter disgruntlement; it has not been the best of times.

I have been severely, deeply depressed of late (big surprise!). Slowly coming out of it.

I spent about a month almost completely unable to write. This is not good.

Uncle Monster started drinking again. Again, not good.

Jobless... mixed blessing. With the state of my knees, the retail option for a job is out. However, I so DO NOT want to be stuck at another desk job. I can't take isolation and mundanity. So I have to revise my resume and hit the job/training center and see about the possibility of retraining. Perhaps culinary school...

That's about the only really creative thing I've been able to accomplish--been cooking quite a bit. Perfected Wussy 5-Bean Chicken Chili (for those of us who can't eat extremely hot food), have made umeshu (two jars, one made with vodka the other with tequila), created incredible oven-smoked, spice-rubbed country style pork ribs that damn near fell off the bone and melted in the mouth--beef ribs are next! I really have a deft touch in the kitchen--I have a serious instinct for creating amazing food. Not exotic, but seriously flavorful, delicious food. Wouldn't mind making a living feeding people.

Still in relationship, although barely. We hit the Three Month Slump--broke up for 36 hours, got back together, trying again taking it slow, and hoping to keep it alive and well. Not sure if it's going to work, praying it will. I love him--he's a wonderful man. I think our issues are surmountable. I hope so. We're good together--we're a good partnership, good companions and becoming good friends. At this point in my life, I know that's what I need for a long-term--a good friend I can share a bed with, whose crap I can tolerate. He's... he drives me nuts, but he's worth it.

I have a backlog of crap I want to blog about; like I said, writer's block has been horrific. It feels like being mentally strangled and makes me fairly unlivable. Sucks the energy out of me, not being able to express myself and makes the depression worse. I don't know if love is good for me as an artist, and I don't like that thought one friggin' bit. I do not want to be one of these utter losers who can only create in a state of misery and loneliness. (Sorry, but... I think there has got to be a way to balance the angst and anger, rage and sarcasm, creativity and love. There has to be. And still produce something worth reading that isn't utter shite and sunshine. I have a feeling that's why I was weeping during X-Men: First Class during the Charles/Magneto moment when Eric has his breakthrough. I'm looking for that balance.)

My sleep is a mess. Body... not sure WTF is going on with my health. Weight loss issues are weighing me down (no pun intended. I think), and my knees... my left knee is utterly shot and the pain has been intense. I'm usually fairly impervious to pain--I can handle a fair bit and ignore it, but this... when the fucking thing collapses on me, NOT good. So much for the elliptical. *slams head on the desk* I MISS BEING ABLE TO WORK OUT WITHOUT THIS BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, yeah, THAT has been bringing me down.

*sigh*
On the happy side... well, organizing is finally starting to happen in Hell's Vestibule. It's taken a while, but Mum is finally getting on board and listening. I've also seen most of the blockbusters that have been released--Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern, Pirates--haven't seen Super 8 yet, but I may catch a matinee (all the comic book boys are raving about it, and that's good enough for me)--also caught Fellowship of the Ring on the big screen; Two Towers this week. It's been a serious popcorn summer already and have loved them all. Been to two author events--Jason Ciaramella up at Larry's Comics in Lowell (awesome guy--great adaptation of a Joe Hill short story, The Cape, that was a one-shot comic for IDW; it's now become a 4-issue mini series starting next month; he did a signing/Drink & Draw/writing seminar--will blog more on this); and This Is Teen with Maggie Stiefvater, Meg Cabot and *drum roll* Libba Bray who is an utter goddess. Different kind of fan girl moment for me, meeting her--love her writing, respect her incredibly, and meeting her was joyful. I've mentioned her fabulous novel Going Bovine in an earlier blog; it was lovely to get it signed. Yep, another "will blog" moment.

OK, kids, I'm going back to editing my manuscript. I have a goal of finishing by the end of this month, writing query letters, and then... then I'll seriously tackle long-term employment goals. With a time-out to hit the much-postponed trip to Nova Scotia for the last couple of weeks in July. I so need to recharge my batteries up home.

Be well. I'll be posting regularly (well, more regularly) I hope.