So this follows hard on the heels of the last post (which actually should have been posted on Friday) because, hey, I turned 50 today.
Half a fucking century on this planet.
Who'da thunk?
This birthday's approach was depressing the fuck out of me, but, thankfully, I have had a really nice, low-key day. 
This is one of those milestone birthdays, and, honestly... I dunno.  I don't feel fifty.  (How does one feel fifty, anyway?)
I'm still me--I still love my man, my ridiculous and awesome cats, Captain America, Marvel movies, good friends, the occasional drink, amazing chocolate, growing things, making things, cooking, debating politics... Nothing has changed, really, except I'm a lot greyer. 
Good Gods, has my hair gone white.  There's a cloud of white hair on top that looks almost like a fog coating the rest of my hair.  Not a lot of lines in my face (it's one of the few benefits of being fat), and the eyes... Yep, those are my eyes looking at me. 
I can't believe I've been alive this long; I didn't expect to make it much past 30, yet... Here I am.
My mood has lifted a bit since Friday (since yesterday when I broke down crying in pure frustration over lack of handicapped access in a library--A FUCKING PUBLIC LIBRARY in a town with a tax base that any other city would kill for)... The world doesn't look so hopeless.
I find it darkly amusing that I have turned out to be the most optimistic pessimist I've ever known.
I see all that is dark in this world--I am beyond upset with the state of the U.S., the dumbing down of this country, the idiot in charge in Washington, and the level of corruption that is systemic and endemic.  I have been predicting this for a long, long time--I saw this coming back in 1981, and over the years as the dirty tricks got dirtier and the politics got uglier and more blatant... I am just not surprised. I'm disgusted and sickened, yes--this is one of the few times in my life I really, really, REALLY hate being right--but I knew this was coming.
On the other hand... I couldn't believe the number of birthday wishes that showed up on FB today. It was really touching and really moving. The kid at the candy counter at the movies who wished me a happy birthday (after I sampled the birthday cake fudge--BLEEEEECCCCHHHH!!!!! It was like solid vanilla frosting.  What the fuck is the point?!?!).  The teacher at a local school texting me after she got the package of seeds and black raspberry canes for her kids' garden at the school... the nursing home aid who got a bag of magazines for one of her residents... the million little kindnesses that surround me every day, and knowing that, for all the ugliness in this world, I have found a place, a community, to which I make a positive contribution.
Spending the day with Al, who was heartbroken he couldn't make my 50th as crazy awesome as I made his.  We have to move house--every spare dime we have has to go into that moving fund AND we have to keep the bills paid.  We went to see Thor (which was AWESOME!!!! Not as awesome as Civil War, but still... FUCKING AWESOME!), he made dinner... we spent the day together and relaxed (and got some stuff done, too, but no crazy pressure today--I asked him for that for both of us).  Yeah, I wanted a big party, a surprise party, a costume party... but when there are other priorities, you don't ask your partner to further stress himself (and the finances) for a bit of vanity.
When we've found a new place and things are better financially... THEN we can celebrate.
That's probably the biggest change in me that I have noticed since leaving Hell's Vestibule--I am a much calmer human being.  I am far more zen, far more flexible. 
I am finally the person I want to be, at least in a couple of ways that really matter.
All that anger and rage that I took so much shit for has found an outlet in the garden and in food justice (I'm a voice, an advocate--I wish I could be more, I wish I had more reserves of both energy and cash to offer beyond enthusiasm, wit, and the strange ability to ask the right question at the right time, and the hard questions when no one else wants to). 
For all that is plaguing me, I am OK with me, with who I am.
That is not a small achievement.
I hope it takes whoever else is reading this a lot less than half a century to get to that point.
So, happy birthday to meeeeeeee...
Yeah.