Smells Like... Actually, It Just Stinks

So, today, back in 1994, Kurt Cobain died. Depending on your view point, it was either suicide or murder. (My opinion: murder, but I am slightly hating of Courtney Love.) 1994 was quite possibly one of the single worst years of my life; Kurt's horrible end kept me from checking out at a time I was very close to just opening my veins and giving up. I'm dealing with a touch of the Black Dog today. I almost quit my job yesterday--almost walked out of here and never came back, I was pushed that far. I cried (and screamed) for at least an hour afterwards. I'm at the end in here (and no, I don't care who knows it). The retribution cycle has started for last week's conversation with HR, and I'm really sick of working for children. I'm sick of trying to do my job to the best of my abilities and dealing with interference from people who do not know the breadth and depth of what I do. In short, I got handed my ass for not meeting a (non-critical) deadline. The work was done, the final bit of data entry was not. The item needed had been ordered and shipped; entered into the Uni's financial database, entered into the records needed for the reconciliation I'm working on. However, because it hadn't been entered into the ILS, I was handed my ass. No credit for all of the work that had been done on Friday. No consideration for prioritizing. Just an unbending "THIS IS THE DEADLINE!" reaction. Technically, yeah, I was in the wrong. In the scheme of the bigger picture, however, I was not. I was acting "like a grade 24" and prioritizing my workload, treating the larger concern of the quarterly reconciliation--the final budget recon before I go on vacation, the admin goes on maternity leave, and the all-important month of May in the cycle of the budget year, the month when we spend everything down to the last friggin' possible penny, which means that Yours Truly must be on point and have all the ducks in a row and quacking in four-part harmony. The thing is, I'm damn good at it. Do Shakespeare, and managing five budgets isn't a big deal. The problem comes from the (lack of) leadership around here: insecure, passive-aggressive, micro-managers who can't just back off and let the work go on. Two years ago they finally adjusted my grade and salary to be more in line with what I actually do. I have had my face rubbed in it every time there is an issue. The thing is, I wasn't "given" anything. I EARNED that, and the pay rise was a joke. I am still not making industry standard for this position, even without an MLS. And I'm sick of it. I'm tired of whenever I demand that this place behave itself and give back, there's repercussions. There's outright revenge. The event I was a part of starting and running here has the slogan, "Lesley works because WE do." I coined that phrase. I've pushed that phrase because it's the fucking truth. This place isn't doing anyone a favor by "giving" them a job--it's a mutual benefit: the Uni offers the job with salary and benefits (which keep getting slashed), the employee offers skills and time. In economic times like these, the employers tend to forget this. So, I've had my bitch. I have to get my resume together, I have to start looking for/applying for jobs. I started looking around last night. I don't even know what I want to do. I just know it's not this. I hope everyone else has had a better week. I'll try to be more cheerful tomorrow.