Ever get annoyed? Ever feel like someone needs to be told where the dog died? Or handed a crowbar and a tub of Elbow Grease to help them pry their head out of their arse? Congratulations--you've come to the right place.

And when I'm not commenting on the latest thing to piss me off, I'm trying to figure out my own twisted life. Because, hey, I'm like that.

On a gentler note: for anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, and other assorted bullshit: You are NOT alone.

And if you're looking for a laugh, search on the key word "fuckery." It's just my little thing (as the bishop said to the actress).

Cast of Characters - UPDATED 8/13/11

I refer to a lot of "reoccurring" characters in my blogs (or I'm starting to), so a cast list is a handy thing. Or, as I like to call it:

Traumatis Personae

Family
She Whom I Can't Ignore - aka My Mum, St. Teresa of Somerville, and a number of expletives when she's making me crazy (which is most days).  67, dealing with kidney failure, recently retired, bit daft. Love her to death and may possibly kill her at some point.
The Fluffy One - Piddy Pat, the kittycat; aka my four-legged child.  Born March 13, 1994; I am the only human on the planet she loves or even likes.  Her loyalty saved the vestiges of my sanity when I went through the miscarriage in 1994.
Idiot, Asshole, Moron - When capitalized, used to signify St. Teresa's younger brother. Alcholic & cokehead, currently sober. Instead of crushing his windpipe, I knocked him on his ass and forced him into rehab this past January after he attacked me. Forced St. Teresa out of denial at the same time.

The Friends
Best Friends:  KJ, Vicki (in alphabetical order because I could never choose between them or put one over the other).  Share a b-day. Both amazing women without whom I'd be deader than Elvis.
Partners in Crime:  Leesh, Ferd, Laura, Tory, Keith, Liz... list will expand as the blog goes on; my world would SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK without them.
"The Kids" - Affectionate term for the baristas at my local Sbux. Love 'em. Lovely, lovely sweet, funny, hip, sarcastic, cherished group of people who save my day and feed my caffeine addiction. Also sometimes means the girls at Lush in Harvard Square or the crew at Trader Joe's.

The Critters
(Technically, Piddy should be in here, but she's really family.)
Lucky - aka The White One; Big, Dumb, Stupid Retarded Cat; Bud; Luckelschmucks; Asshole; the Luckster - And just about anything else we can call him; Lucky belongs to Leesh (check out her blog, Another Slice of the Blog Pie) and Josh.  He's a humongous white cat.  He's entertainment on four paws; if you hate cats, you will love Lucky. Because you have to.  He's Lucky.
Cheyenne - aka Chey, The Stripey One, Stripey - Leesh & Josh's other cat. She is a beautiful tabby with whom I have a love/hate relationship.
Ebby & Rock Star  - Ferd & Laura's poodles. They rock. End of story.
Basement Cat - aka Demon, Evil Beast, Lucifer Reborn  - Vicki's cat, Nicole. The only feline ON THE PLANET who does not like me AT ALL and whom I cannot make purr.  This cat once climbed up into my lap like she was coming for a cuddle, put two paws on my leg, looked up into my eyes, and then HISSED and jumped down. EVIL CREATURE!


The Men (term used loosely to describe most of the following)
Al - Referred to "The Man," "My Man," "Himself," etc.  As of 8/13/11, have been dating for five months. Keeping the fingers crossed--first normal relationship I think I've ever been in. It's strange.  But good. I'm not complaining. Trying to keep his personal details out of the blog out of respect.  
Exes:
Irish Joe - 1987; 1991 - Boston Irish, former martial arts competitor (too many hits to the head, literally), longshoreman, and leg breaker.  First real love, until reality dawned. Judgemental asshole, tiny cock, moderately decent at oral. Last seen post-rape in 1999.
Edwad - 1994-1996; software engineer, medium-size cock, unable to retain erections because of excess of alcohol; alcoholic, emotionally abusive, wanted a seriously alternative sexual lifestyle and had watched FAR too much porn without any doses of reality. Last seen on Match.com in 2009, still looking for a freak lacking in self-esteem.
Jack - A drifter, grifter, semi-pro athlete, gambler, etc.  Crazy fling back in '03, but he shows up time and again like an irregular period.  
Russ - 2003; Brit Boy #1.  I don't joke about Russ; both in a bad place, bad time, and I'm still convinced a "friend" submarined me.  It still hurts too much; he's the only one I'd ever consider taking back.  Note, I said, "consider," not "would." Update, 10/19/10:  Well, there won't ever be a chance. Just found out he got married back in '07. 
A Certain Gentleman - Brit Boy #2. Still a cherished, beloved friend. A fantastic lover, thoroughly decent and amazing person, smart, funny, good around the house... The only one of the five worth a damn, and I wish the world was a different place. End of story, nuff said.
Brit Boy #3 - Brief encounter via web/chat/forum with far-reaching consequences. Was cheating on his current girlfriend and his new girlfriend with me. New girlfriend still in denial at last contact--leaves me with a dark, cynical amusement. Would love to send her the copies of the IMs with him declaring he wanted to leave everything behind and move to America, just to see her crumple, but then, even I'm not that evil. Although the self-righteous cunt deserves it. Yeah, I'm a bitch. Deal.
Fuckwad - 2007; Brit Boy #4 (well, he was 59, so "boy" is a bit of a misnomer unless you take into consideration his maturity level). Ex-fiance who had a ring designed & made, got a home, stuff to set up a business, a car I could operate, flew me to England, and dumped me within hours of my arriving; forced to live in couplehood for 2 weeks because of non-refundable ticket and close quarters. Further details withheld because he's a semi-public figure in a famous author's fandom. Hung like a toddler. 
Phil - 2010; Brit Boy #5. The only non-long distance of the five, and the final disastrous foray into British manhood.  (Sorry, my friends will stuff me into a wrap-around jacket and lock me in a room with soft walls if I date another one.)  Amazing in bed, some seriously shared kinks; sadly, dealing with collapsed marriage and kids in the mix.  Note to self:  do not date men who do not read and are Republicans (yeah, an English Republican.  Boggles the mind).

The Flings:
Rugby Boy - Beautiful creature, KINKY, submissive, hot, hot HOT!!!! & hung.
Teacher Man - Nice guy.  Crazy night on a beach.  Good times!

Internet Dating Rejects
Captain Strap-On - Fuck knows what's going on or if IT will happen; subject of a series of posts, if I ever get to finish them; will either NOT happen or will end up marrying him, with my luck. Update, 11/8/10: Will NOT happen.
Potential Paramour - Currently in a chat situation, waiting to see if will become a face-to-face when I get back from vacation (10/4/10) Update, 10/19/10:  KICKED TO THE CURB! Update, 11/8/10: IMing has begun again; long discussion about upsetting convo. Things are OK; still, doubt I will go forward with it. 12/10: Kicked to curb & blocked.

The Crushes
New Crush - Younger, BEAUTIFUL eyes, still not sure of relationship status or orientation (hey, I never assume).  So far, so like... Update, 1/11/11:  Haven't seen in months. Ah, well.
Old Crush - No clue of age (north of 30), BEAUTIFUL eyes (yeah, see the recurring thing here?), smart, funny, just utterly, utterly wonderful guy; terrified to ask out because would hate for him to avoid me.
Barista Boy - He knows who he is; we flirt outrageously.  Adore him, love him, cherish him, and will never make a serious play for so many reasons, number one of which is that I couldn't bear to lose him in my life. Just a very special person. aka The Graverobber
Celebricrush Jim, Jim Jefferies - My current Celebricrush; have met and made an unsuccessful pass at him. Totally good with it--he's lovely and INCREDIBLY fucking talented. Get out and see him if he comes to your town! THAT'S AN ORDER, DAMMIT!  (Besides, you'll piss y'self laughing, especially if you find me amusing.)  Past Celebricrushes include Sean Bean as Boromir, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Peter O'Toole, Harvey Keitel, Russell Crowe, and David Bowie.
Mighty Lucifer - Dear friend, soulmate, and utterly infuriating man. Sadly, married. *slams head on the desk*

Nemesises
Darth Thespia - Ex-best friend, theatre partner, writing partner. Has a Cult. Needs a smacking. Very annoying.
Cambridge Bicyclists  - The herd needs thinning. Nuff said.
Moron/Idiot/etc. - See above under Family

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